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Don't Take It Personally

Updated: Sep 5, 2023

It is very difficult to avoid being affected by the negative emotions, expressions, and actions of those around us. It is even more difficult when we assume that behavior is either directed at us or is the result of something we’ve done. The truth is, it is often not about us.



For instance, how often have you felt slighted by people who didn’t return phone calls or respond to your texts or emails? Do you worry that this means they don’t like you or wish you’d avoid texting or calling? Although that could be the reason, it is much more likely that:

  • They didn’t know they were expected to respond. (Does “Have a great day” really require a response?)

  • They missed the text or message notification because it came in the midst of another communication and maybe didn’t get flagged.

  • They’ve been swamped with work or had their phone off and haven’t had a chance to respond yet.

None of these reasons have anything to do with you!

Have you ever had someone look at you disapprovingly for seemingly no reason at all? Maybe it was a clerk at the grocery store, a neighbor, or worse yet, your boss. I had been managing people for twenty years before I found out about my accidental disapproving look:


I have a bad habit of scrunching up my forehead when I am evaluating options, and I now know that this appears to be a look of disapproval. I spent a lot of my time at work evaluating options—especially when my employees came to me for advice on a technical issue. Can you imagine how many of my employees went home at night thinking I disapproved of them when all I was doing was thinking!


Do you have people in your life who give you disapproving looks that might not be disapproving, after all?


What if it isn’t just a look? What if your partner is grumpy or a close friend snaps at you for no reason? Those are more difficult to brush off, of course. However, just because they are directed at us, doesn’t mean they're about us. The other person could have had a rough day, a bad dream, a nagging pain, or be feeling worried or anxious about something unrelated to you. Chances are that if it seems like they are acting this way “for no reason,” it is a reason that has nothing to do with you.


Here’s the thing. You can choose to take these things personally if you want, but you are setting yourself up for potentially unnecessary anxiety, hurt, or anger—all of which take a lot of energy. You’ll be much better off if you can slow down, take a deep breath, and make a fair evaluation of the situation. After that, if you’re still not sure whether or not it is personal, why not err on the side of least anxiety? Just assume it is not about you and save that energy for more enjoyable things!


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