This is a fancy title for a very simple concept. One of the things that can get in the way of happily thriving is feeling undeservedly responsible for the unhappiness of others. This happens for a number of reasons. Sometimes, people will blame you for things that aren’t your fault or they’ll find fault so they’ll have someone to be mad at besides themselves. Sometimes, if our self-worth meter is out of whack, we’ll just assume that we must have done something wrong to cause another person’s anger, irritation, or unhappiness. And sometimes, our undeserved sense of responsibility is triggered by guilt; not because we’ve done anything wrong, but because we have more time, power, or good fortune than someone else.
The first step in practicing discretionary responsibility is to recognize that you are only responsible for the choices you make.
You are not responsible for the genes you inherited, for the state of the world, or for the choices other people make. It is not your fault if you are better looking than someone else, or healthier, or have wealthier parents, or are just plain luckier than someone else. It is not your fault if someone else made bad choices and is suffering the consequences of those choices. You are not responsible for those things so it is not fair for you to carry guilt for them. Be grateful for your blessings, of course. Feel free to share your abundance with those less fortunate, if you can. Just be sure to do so out of compassion; not out of guilt.
What if you are dealing with someone close to you who is blaming you for something? Or, what if you are feeling responsible for the mood of someone close to you? Again, you need to remember that you are only responsible for the choices you make. You are not responsible for:
The traffic jam that makes your spouse angry
The weather that depresses your friend
Your spouse oversleeping and rushing out of the house in a huff
Your child being on restriction for breaking clearly defined rules and hating you for it – even if you are the one who put her on restriction
Your brother’s trouble with the IRS
Knowing what someone meant when they said something
Knowing what someone wanted when they didn’t ask for it
Fulfilling expectations that you didn’t set
You are only responsible for the choices you make; not for the choices someone else makes or for things that happen over which you have no control.
When you feel yourself taking on this kind of undeserved responsibility, regardless of the cause, just try to take a deep breath. Remind yourself that this isn’t about you. If you can do that, you can stop the feelings of guilt or hurt or anger or defensiveness that might come up. That will not only help you to feel better, it will also help to keep the situation from escalating. And, if you can summon some compassion for the person and express it, it might even help his or her bad feelings to dissipate more quickly.
Important note: Although it is good to express compassion, it is not necessarily good to try to jump in and fix the problem. There are a few reasons for this:
It has the potential to overburden you – especially if you do it on the spur of the moment, out of guilt, or because you are a natural-born problem solver (like me).
In the case of kids, students, employees, etc. you could be robbing them of the opportunity to learn valuable lessons or skills that could help them be more successful.
You could diminish the power of the other person by robbing him or her of the opportunity to achieve his or her own success. This concept was introduced to me by a wonderful life coach, Jane Faulkner (http://janefaulkner.net/). The idea is that you think you might be helping someone when, actually, you are kind of overpowering them with your own power. Give them some time and space to solve their own problems and you’ll both be a lot happier.
I know it isn’t easy to deal with people who are grumpy or angry or unhappy. It's hard to fend off the feelings of somehow being responsible – especially when you are being blamed. It is also hard to refrain from trying to fix a situation; to make things better. However, if you can practice discretionary responsibility, keeping in mind what is yours to take on and what isn’t, you can more easily rise above those kinds of situations and feel freer to happily thrive.
Comments